Mid-life crisis

According to Wikipedia, individuals experiencing a midlife crisis have some of these feelings:

• search of an undefined dream or goal
• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
• a fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues
• desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

Why am I even writing about this? I am not so sure too.. Let me help myself figure this out. 

This past few days, I have been feeling a little restless. I get upset easily, I think of so many things and I feel bad that those thoughts do not materialize. I was thinking  of baking something all weekend, then when I was about to bake it, I just felt so bad counting in a lot of other factors why I couldn't bake when in fact those little things could easily be addressed. I easily get irritated and I feel so bad about myself and the people around me. 

This is not the first time I am writing about this. I guess I have said it more than once in this blog - I have always been an achiever. All my life, I aim for something and I work hard for it. I can only name few things that I give up on. I gave up on playing guitars because I felt my fingers are too short and I can maybe try other musical instruments. I gave up on that too. I gave up on singing and I gave up on a lot of things. As I am writing this, I am starting to realize that more than being an achiever, I am also a quitter. I guess I can start feeling better when I begin to acknowledge the fact that I am not really an achiever. Sigh. I imagined myself to be this kind of person only to find out I'm not even close to the person I imagined myself to be. I guess the acceptance that this is where my life led me is the first step towards overcoming my mid-life crisis. 

Writing about this is not easy for me. I know no one reads my blog religiously (not even my boyfriend) so I think that makes me a little bit more confident to write about how I feel. This is seriously affecting all aspects of my life and it yields inefficiency and ineffectiveness. This is a very lengthy post so if there's one soul out there reading this post, excuse my post. You can stop right here if you need to. 

I challenge myself to discuss mid life crisis as per Wikipedia bullet per bullet. 

 

• Search of an undefined dream or goal
• I was not the type who dreamt of something really big. All I wanted was to be rich and have a happy family of my own. I was not like my friends at that time bragging about their dreams - on becoming a doctor, lawyer, nurse, accountant, architect, engineer etc. I didnt have those kinds of dreams. When I studied in Baguio, I didnt even know what course I was applying for. I was given 2 options then since all other courses ran out of slots, My options were Economics and Social Anthropology. I didnt know what the latter was so ofcourse I chose the Economics. Thats where my college life begins. After graduation, I didnt even know where to apply. I wasnt so passionate about researches and politics, so I of course didnt go that route. And that's where my post college life began. Define uncertainty. Now that I am pondering on so many things about my life, I start to think of a lot of things I wish I pursued in my college years. I know I'll make a good doctor, a good nurse, teacher perhaps, accountant, engineer or even an architect. Had I known what I wanted to be when I get older, I guess things would be a lot different from what it is. 

This post is getting a little sadder and I get even more frustrated as I type.. I would need to finish this up later. 

An Open Letter of a Single Mom who loved and again, got hurt.

I wanna first thank you for coming in my life. Yes, you saved me in a lot of ways. And I am so grateful for that. I would just like to remind you that when you came in my life, I was not NOTHING. I was in the process of rebuilding my life and I had very high hopes that I was almost whole. I was working 2 jobs then, so I can pay for my brother's tuition without asking money from anyone. I was OK. So please, you shouldn't have said that.. It plays in my head all over again and it hurts me each time..  "You were nothing before I met you. "

I know you made a lot of sacrifices. I would just like to remind you once more that before we even became together, I remember telling you that being with me would mean being a father figure to my son and bearing with a girlfriend who is a SOLE breadwinner to her family. I specifically told you that you can never be my priority. You agreed. You even took that opportunity to tell me that you're willing to live a life like that for as long as we are together. To me, you were my knight and shining armor. But after hearing all those mean words from you, everything flashed right in front of my face.. Its clear to me now.. I should never find convenience in being with someone because being in a relationship, especially if you're a single mother, does not necessarily equate to having a partner in life. Never ever expect that person to assume the responsibility of healing all the wounds your past have caused you. Its an illusion that would never materialize not even in your wildest dreams. People are pretentious. Besides, I have always been an advocate of the thought that nothing really lasts forever. So I should have known better.

I am very grateful for so many things that happened in my life when I was with you. You taught me a lot of things and I will forever be thankful. I remember being ecstatic when you first agreed to move in my house so it wouldn't be hard for me to manage time and toggle between being your girlfriend and being a mother to Nyx. We became closer and we became happier. We got to know each other better and despite the imperfections, we decided to be with each other. I was even happier when you got to introduce Nyx and I to your family and I didn't feel any type of disapproval from them. As we would always say, our lives together have always been sheltered. We hadn't encountered any major problems in our lives like those I had with my past relationship. Money was never an issue coz you've always been so giving. You have always been so generous to both our families. You asked me stop working double then because you promised to help me in my responsibilities. You were very persistent to stop me from working 2nd job. I was very grateful and we started saving up from our combined earnings. I felt like saving with someone who shares the same goals you have is a breeze. This was something new to me since I never had the chance to save since I was always living paycheck to paycheck. We know for a fact that before you actually moved in my house, you had nothing. You've used up all your savings and we made a mutual decision to start over again. With or without money, I was willing to spend a lifetime with you. Without knowing that all this time, you were taking it wrongly. I acknowledge that you bought me so many things I told you I wouldve bought if only I could, since you were so generous to me and to everyone else, to date.. you have done so much that changed our way of living. We managed to have my room and comfort room renovated, purchased flat screen TV, digital camera, cell phone, laptop, air condition and a lot of small things that you knew would make me happy. You were someone any girl would wish to have. I would just like to mention though that since were sharing money, and I earn more that you do, its safe to say that not all the money came from you. I understand you received separation pay last year and it helped us big time but I dont think it would be enough for you to earn the right to belittle who I am. 

I can remember so clearly how you pointed fingers at me, cursing me and asking me to return all those material things you bought for me. You were shouting your heart out as if I was never your partner.  You said all the meanest words you could think of at that very moment and it was as if I never really knew that side of you. That was a part of you you haven't really introduced to me. It couldve been OK if we were in a different setting, say, if we were in our private room or anywhere else private. This wouldve been  less painful. But you know what hurts me the most?! The worst part is you were shouting to me like a mad man infront of my 4-year old son. You were doing all this and I could see him stopping you. I remained silent and I tried to calm you but to no avail, just when I was about to leave, you threw all my ATM cards all over the floor. I was there picking it all up, sobbing, while my son was there trying to console me. He was so mad at you that he said to me, if only he was a little bigger, he could've done something for you to stop humiliating me. You embarrassed me as if I were someone you never really loved before. Not to mention that you were doing all these in a public place where everyone else was just watching. Who knows if someone was taking videos of what you did and we could be all over the net. 

No one has ever earned the right to treat me like that. I was never dependent on you or to anyone for that matter. I work my ass off for my son and family. I graduated in a reputable university and I dont and never will ever deserve that treatment. You couldve just kept silent and embraced me and things wouldve turned out so differently. But thanks to the situation, I got to know you more. As of this writing, I have packed all your things and I am so ready to send this to you anytime. Thank you for the 23 wonderful months of bliss. You have lost the respect you had for me, and what that happens, I have always said this, there is no more reason to continue with the relationship. 

I am still mad and upset while I am writing this, I dont wanna close my doors coz my friend is right, you have done all the good things and you deserve ONE chance. Everybody deserves a chance. It might take months or even years for the wound to heal, I dont know. One thing I know for sure is Im doing all this for my son. he doesnt deserve to see ANYONE disrespect me as a person and as a woman. 

I am a single mother and I am hoping whatever decision I make, I hope to  make the right decison for my son's benefit. 

On getting Solo Parent ID in Bacoor Cavite

I didnt expect it to be easy.. 
But.. 

It took me less than 30 minutes to complete the transaction. 

And I regret that I procastinated and waited 3 years before I actually secure my own SOLO PARENT ID. 

I walked in the gate of DSWD in Bacoor Cavite and I was greeted by their friendly staff. I informed them of my reason of being there and was handed a form to fill out. I went there with my complete set of requirements namely:

• Certificate of Employment
• Barangay Certificate
• 2 copies of 1x1 ID picture
• ITR
• Valid ID

I filled out the form and was about to leave when I was told to wait in queue for my ID. I was in shock when I learned that I would get it right away. I re-confirmed and was given an affirmative response. I thought it would be a lot more complicated given that I heard a lot of feedback from those who secured their solo parent IDs from Las Pinas that I would need to go thru a tedious process given the interviews, back ground checks and other requirements. I remember being casually asked of what happened and I responded informally while I was filling out the form. I don't claim that it would be as easy as this in all municipalities, I would just like to share my experience on how I got mine in Bacoor Cavite. It was a breeze and I am now enjoying additional 7 leaves in our company. 

So, if you are from Cavite and if you satisfy all requirements described in my last post, feel free to drop by DSWD and secure your own Solo Parent ID. It would definitely help us big time especially if you belong in the working class. :)

Here's how it looks: 

So get yours now and enjoy the benefits! :)