"Ganyan kalupit ang buhay.."

-Re-post from my multiply blog.

I just realized I've been cursing my job description few years ago. I never liked what I do. This is not the career I dreamt of, I only have a job, not a career. I wanted to have a career I can be proud of eversince. But my need to be compensated well enough in this industry prevented me from shifting jobs. The thought of it saddens me. People tell me I'm too smart for this kind of job.. Had I left this industry years back when I was being offered the best deals, I wouldn't feel an ounce of regret for not even trying. I was too scared. I guess, the only consolation left of me is that I can give my son a better life with the job that I have right now, I am able to send my brother to school, I can buy nice things for myself and my son, I can feed my family of 5 and the list goes on. I still have million other things I'm grateful for. I

Not that I'm regretting, I guess it's more of.. "I wish I tried while I still can..."

So to youngsters out there.. Try new things and dont be scared. When you finally have a family of your own, there are some things that you cant do anymore because your decision may change the life of your most beloved ones. :)   

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"Ganyan kalupit ang buhay"..   

- quoted from: "isa sa mga nakasakay ko sa dyip kanina".

Sa mga nagdaang araw, naging masyado akong mapagmasid sa lahat ng nangyayari sa aking paligid. Mula sa kaliit liitang bagay hanggang sa malalawak na isyu na kinakaharap ng kung sino man. Marahil ang tanging panahon ko na lamang para gawin ito, ay sa tuwing nasa biyahe ako..maaaring kung pupunta o papasok sa unibersidad man o sa trabaho. Maraming bagay akong napapansin..maraming bagay ang nagdadala ng lungkot sa akin..marami din namang simpleng bagay ang nagpapangiti sa akin. Nitong mga nagdaang araw, kakaiba ako bilang tao: bilang estudyante, anak, empleyado, kaibigan, babae, kabilang ang lahat ng mga tungkuling aking ginagampanan.

Habang nasa byahe papuntang trabaho, nananahimik ako sa dulo ng pampasaherong dyip, nakatingin sa kumpol ng estudyanteng nagtatawanan. Napakasaya nilang tingnan. Napapangiti pa nga ako sa bawat batuhan nila ng salita. Unti unti ng bumaba ang magkakaibigan..sa isang lingat, 4 na lamang kaming natira sa sasakyan. Naguusap silang tatlo...sabi ng isa.. "Pare, maglalakad ka pauwi o magttricycle ka?" sagot ng isa... "magsiside-car ako"..., "Magkano na ba sa side car ngayon?", tanong ng isa.. "4 na piso lang binabayad ko..tangna..ang taas non...ayaw na nga akong isakay e.." Sumagot yung isa.."gago ka..ang hirap don..lakarin nga nahihirapan na tayo, padyak pa kaya..."

"Pare, ganyan kalupit ang buhay (sabay tawa)"..

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Napaisip ako bigla...Matagal na pagpadyak...matagal tagal na pagaantay ng pasahero..4 na piso lang makukuha nya? pucha...2 yosi lang saken yun e...dun ko napagtanto...ano nga ba ginagawa ko ngayon? may karapatan ba kong magreklamo sa bigat ng mga dinadala kong problema? may karapatan ba akong masaktan sa mga bagay na para sa iba ay kababawan lamang? Madalas nga natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko..maliit na bagay, iniiyakan ko...maliit na pagkabigo..dinadala ko hanggang sa kung kelan ko kaya..totoo...hindi ako madaling makalimot.HINDE.

Binabayaran ako sa ginagawa ko. Nakaupo ng ilang oras? 8? Kadalasan pa nga...sa 8 oras na yun...kailangan mong ihanda ang sarili mo sa masasakit na bagay na maaaring isambit ng mga taong hindi mo kilala...mga taong kinakausap mo dahil yun ang trabaho mo. Sabi ng mga kasamahan ko sa trabaho.. wag kong personalin..binabayaran ako sa ginagawa ko..e ano ngayon kung murahin nila ako..e ano ngayon...ang problema? hindi ko maihiwalay ang sarili ko sa kung ano man ang ginagawa ko...ngayon, tanong ko sayo...may karapatan ba akong magreklamo?

Kadalasan din naiisip ko...marahil mas mataas pa ang pinag-aralan ko sa mga taong kung magsalita akala mo pagaari nila ang mundo...pero bakit ako nandito? Hindi ko pa alam. Pera? siguro...Hanggang kelan ako mananatili sa ganitong pagdadahilan? hanggang kelan ko iisiping yun lang ang dahilan? kelan ko lubos na mauunawaan na may halaga ang ginagawa ko? Kelan?

Darating pa kaya ang araw na yun? hindi ko alam.

2011 - My most challenging year (so far).

This was how 2011 was like for me.

2011 was a challenging year for me. It was January when I decided to finally move out of my comfort zone. I have felt a while back that HSBC wasn’t the company for me; I have realized long before that growth isn’t really something I can find in this company. I made one of the toughest decisions of my life when I finally decided to leave, and just move on. I made a lot of memories; good and bad, in over 3 years of my stay in the company. I made great friends and I’ve learned so much about people, work, career, fun and life in general. So bidding farewell to the memories and the routine (in over 3 years) made it harder for me to leave.  But I had to. It’s just so sad that I burnt bridges. I lost in touch with the good friends, great people and potential connections. It was an impulsive decision and yes, when I look back I have the slightest regret because I miss them. And when it comes, I have no choice but to stay away from the thought of it because I need to move on and stop dwelling in the past.

Looking at the aspect of my personal life, it was a mess. My relationship with my x was at its rockiest point. We lost communication, we seldom sleep together (literally) since he was hesitant to move in my parent’s house, we seldom go out, we were barely getting by and we would constantly fight over money matters since we basically had no source of income at that time. We were so dependent of his family and my friends and I guess it created tension at that time. I was so trying to make the relationship work because Id like to believe that it was the only good thing I had at that time since career sucked. I was at the lowest point of my life as I was still trying to rehabilitate from gambling addiction.

I decided to finally look for work in February, and that’s when GE found me. It was a co-incidence in a way since my first choice was to work with Chase, but I was compelled to change mind and shift plans. I was not intending to work around Alabang since I wanted to start over, start anew. But fate brought me back here. It was March when I started being officially employed. Same industry, different job description, similar culture but totally different level of stress. It’s almost close to being stress-free. I guess it’s mainly because I started out with strong will and determination, focused that getting up is my primary goal. I started at a wrong foot when I was in my previous company. I hung out with the wrong people and I wasn’t really focused. Not at all. It’s a totally different story when I started out here in my present company. And it’s a good one.

I had all the plans narrated in my head to start out a good family and good life, simply put, to be a better person; better mother, daughter and most of all, to be a better partner. I’d like to believe that I had the best partner a few months back. He would constantly say that he’s fed up with my attitude, how I treated him and the like, and I would always take all these issues for granted. I thought all the while that everything was doing well in terms of our relationship. He was at his best self when we had our last walk dated March 11,2011. We talked about our dreams, our plans, and the challenges of our relationships. I even considered it as premonition at one point. That afternoon walk was actually the last time I ever laid eyes on him. I haven’t seen him in a while. It’s been almost a year and I have not actually had a conversation with him. I miss him, yes. I guess I was so assured that he’d never let go so I never really looked for him or longed for him since then. Until my life became more complicated and I thought he should be there for me. But it surprised me when I found out that he’s somewhere else trying to build the family we never really had. I had no choice but to move on, accept it and just continue living the dreams we built together. I went thru depression, episodes of it, a lot of times then I realized I haven’t really dealt with my heartbreak. It wasn’t just heartbreak actually. It felt like I have to make a total turn in my life. And it’s just not easy. Glad I have my son who inspires me and my family and friends who support me.

It was September then when I found out about the bad news. I realized a lot of things in my life and it made me rethink my life. I gave myself a license to do whatever I felt like doing at that time for like a month, it’s more like a license to ruin my life. Then after over a month, I realized, there’s just no point dwelling in the past. I did some things that somehow helped me regain what I lost. I started working out, expanding my social circle, my horizon in general. I started keeping in touch with my old friends. I basically started doing things that I chose to stop doing while I was with him. I haven’t felt the satisfaction so far but I’m sure I’ll get over it soon. My life is better, career is better and I know it can only get better.

Come December, I won Employee of the Year Award for our portfolio. I was able to throw a birthday party for my baby. Everything that I wished I had the same month a year ago, I got it. Life indeed has a lot of trade-offs. Life would’ve been boring if I had everything I wished for. I know I can’t have it all. And I can only make the best of what I have now.

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I havent sat down and summarized my 2012 yet but its a better year I guess - which only proves that life can only get better for me any my family. Good vibes! :) I'll definitely take time to write about the highlights of my 2012 and I'll be glad to share it in this blog. :)

Note to my son:

I am trying so hard to be a better person so you'll be proud of me when you grow up. And you effortlessly bring out the best in me. I love you so much my baby! :)