Acceptance. :)

February 17th, Sunday

As a single mother, one of the dilemmas that I have is whether or not Nyx will be accepted by Erick’s family. I guess this is one of the many challenges single mothers face and I’m not an exception to this case.

Upon realizing that Niño (Nyx’s father) will be gone for good, it never really came to me that I’d be with someone again. I know I’m too young and it’s too early to tell yet. It’s just that the thought of rejection scares me to death. I hate the thought of Nyx being rejected by my future in-laws. We see a lot of it in movies and Lord knows it’s possible. So I dismissed the thought of being with anyone again.  

But..

Apparently, God has another plan for me. He knows that I need someone I can share my life with given all the responsibilities I’m faced with. He gave me a chance at love and life. I’m grateful of the chance and I’m just happy God made it so easy for me and Nyx..

It took us months to introduce Nyx to Erick’s parents. They were already made aware by Erick that I have a son even before I met them. As far as I can recall, their only concern was whether or not I am married. They were sort of pleased when they learned that I’m not. Erick was insisting that we bring Nyx in his family house months before we actually took him in Batangas. I was not convinced that they’d like him so I was hesitant. To my surprise, it was a breeze. In an instant, I felt that they sincerely like Nyx.

Nyx has this natural charm. Aside from looks of course, he knows how to make someone like him effortlessly. I think most kids are like him. I know I’m just biased because of course I’m his mom.

We spent our weekend in Batangas and I can never be happier as a mother to feel that my son is accepted by my partner’s family. Now, I’m convinced that I’m blessed to have Erick in my life. I never felt as comfortable around Erick’s family as I did this past weekend. Erick’s mom even gave me a purse and bag which I super like!  Everything changed when I felt their deepest concern to Nyx when they learned that he was rushed to the hospital few days ago.

Pagdating ng house, di pa sya nakakapagpalit ng damit, upo kagad sya then he started playing with Eric's niece. :)

Nyx feels so at home in Batangas now.

Di naman halata na at home talaga sya noh?!

Mega close na sila ng kapatid ni Erick.. Super habol na sya jan and everyone in the house adores him! ♥

Hiniram nya lang yan sa pamangkin ni Erick! Parang sa kanya lang ung mga damit e. :)

Mawawala na naman si Jollibee sa eksena. :) We dropped by Jollibee before going home. :)

Happy pa sya nyan sa byahe.. Super sanay na sya sa byahe. As in. Wala na lang sa kanya ung 3 hours na byahe.

Nakakatulog na din sya ng mahimbing sa byahe. Then when he wakes up, he'll ask.. "Andito na?"

He didn’t ask about going home in Cavite. He played with kids from the block and he even let me sleep while he was out playing. He was so comfortable that he wanted to go back in Batangas as soon as possible. I feel completely satisfied now as a mother to Nyx and as a partner to Erick. ♥

Note to Erick (My No. 1 blog reader):

"Thanks for making the load lighter. Thank you for the love and acceptance. Thank you for the understanding and patience. Thank you for giving me the family I never had. Thank you for making me feel complete. I can never ask for more (aside ofcourse from the ones listed in my wishlist! :p). Thank you for the trust. You know I’m bad at this, but I just want to say Thank you for everything! I love you babe!  ♥♥"

Fear of R.E.J.E.C.T.I.O.N

“Have you had a failure or rejection? You could get bitter. That's one way to deal with it. Or...you could just get BETTER. What do you think?”

― Destiny Booze

I have been fighting this fear since my younger years. I guess I have gotten so used to embracing the beauty of perfection – the feeling and pride it provides my spirit, ego and identity in general. I am not saying I’m perfect but when I put my heart and soul to something, I make sure I get what I want out of it. Of course, there are times when things don’t always go my way. And that’s when I start to put a façade in many forms of defense mechanisms.  

“I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”

― Billy Joel

I have a lot of wasted opportunities through the years because I fear being rejected. When I graduated in college (while working in a call center) I was offered a great career by one of the best research companies in the country and I had to decline it because I was too scared to get out of my comfort zone. I was petrified that I may not do well in that industry. Many times, I was faced with the same dilemma and those times, I allowed my fear to empower me.

Rejection demotivates me. I have counted many achievements in my life and I never want to stop counting them. However, over the past 4 years of my life when I stepped out of the university, I feel that I have seen nothing but all kinds of failure. I want to learn how not to be afraid of rejection. I want to start believing that rejection is part of this game called life. That winning can’t be any sweeter if we have not experienced failure and rejection.

I want to teach my son how to accept failure and rejection. I want him to be proud of who he is a person even if he has counted numerous failures in his life. That it’s ok not to be the best. What matters more in the end is not how he ranked but how he played the game.

This, I want to share with him.

Today, I feel so sad for letting another opportunity pass. I know I’m capable of something but this fear stops me from being the person I want to be. A realization that failure does not make me any less of a person should come first. I have to stop caring if people will start looking down on me when I fail. As long as the people I love still accepts me as I am unconditionally – without questioning my strengths, I should move forward and be BETTER.

“Chase your dreams until you catch them...and then dream, catch, and dream again! ”

― Dee Marie, Sons of Avalon: Merlin's Prophecy

 

“There are still many more days of failure ahead, whole seasons of failure, things will go terribly wrong, you will have huge disappointments, but you have to prepare for that, you have to expect it and be resolute and follow your own path.”

― Anton Chekhov

My dilemmas on being a single parent

Everyone knows that being a single parent is hard enough. It becomes harder when you’re the breadwinner of your family + you have a new partner pa. It can’t get any harder. I know it’s all a matter of setting priorities and knowing where to focus. But sometimes it just gets a lot more complicated. How?

I live with my family and I basically provide for them. I started sending my brother to college last year and I’m glad he’ll be in his sophomore year this coming June. I’m praying and hoping that when he graduates, he’ll start helping our family kasi I know it’s not gonna be easy for me when Nyx starts to study na. It’s hard to feed a family of six. I live with my parents, 2 other sibilings and ofcourse, Nyx. My dad stopped working several years before I graduated in college and since then, we don’t have any other source of income but me. I have been the sole provider of the family for almost 4 years now. Not that I’m complaining but things get harder every day.

I don’t want to go in details but I just wanna vent out. Haaay! I wish I was born rich. It gets more complex kasi Erick and I want to get our own place na kaso we are hesitant since Nyx is too young to be left alone with a nanny. I don’t plan to abandon my family; it’s more of setting limitations that I cannot provide everything they want. I can only make sure that we have good food on the table, electricity, water and the like. But anything outside necessity, I can’t provide that anymore. I wish I can explain myself to them but they never understand. Haaaay.

I’m just really stressed out. I needed to vent out. And I feel worse kasi I had 3 sticks of cigarettes na – a deviation from my goal.

I’m sorry for the negativity.

Tomorrow is a better day. Good vibes please!!! ☺

Lazy Monday morning.

I have already shared how my Sunday went...

Now I'd like to share with you how my Monday went. This is the first day of the week and I was too lazy to do anything since I felt deprived of rest over the weekend. Erick agreed to just spend the day watching DVD the entire day so we can get full rest. So, we had our breakfast... as soon as we finished eating breakfast, Erick dragged me to flying kite with Nyx since yesterday was an unsuccessful attempt. I live near Eternity Memorial Park in Cavite and its a good setting for flying kites. So, I agreed to go there after their pangungulit. Here's how the place looks like:

We usually go here in the mornings when we have the time to jog or exercise before hitting the gym. Nyx likes going here kasi it's like his playground. Anyway, we went kite flying nga and this time, it was so successful. Erick was so happy and Nyx was so thrilled too. Its not easy flying kites pala. Anyway, after some picture taking, I asked if we could go home na. I was complaining a lot kasi nga I still feel drained. So we headed home after about almost 2 hours of kite-flying. When we reached home, I immediately went upstairs, turned on the TV and laid back. I thought he already agreed na mag-relax lang for the rest of the day but he insisted to wash clothes (he washes his own clothes eversince, and I DONT! ). I was a bit pissed na kasi nga I wanna relax and chat with him on bed lang. But eventually, pinayagan ko na. Then after almost 3 hours, he's done. We watched TV  pero I was too sleepy na non so I wasn't in the mood na for anything. So I slept without giving in to his demands.

Brief Background: He wakes up 1 hour before I do kasi he needs time daw para magising diwa nya so he can process well sa work plus he drinks coffee/tea pa. So when he wakes me up, automatic, I take my bath, get dressed  and we leave for work na. He's getting upset especially when I "buzzer beat" going to work. My shift starts 11:00 and I want to be in the office "on the dot"! I dont want to stay idle while in the office and he hates that. He wants me to start going to work earlier than usual. Eh kanina, I woke up not in the mood na nga tas he was ranting pa na ang tagal ko kumilos. It even took me time to choose the clothes I want to wear at work. Naasar tuloy ako kasi I wanted to wear this cute polo pero I was pissed nung pinapakialaman nya pa how I want to wear it. Haaay! Guys talaga. We weren't talking while on our way to work, he was silent the entire time and I remained silent too.

Ganyan na lang kami mag-away ngayon. When our eyes met before we part ways, wala na kagad ung tampo and we were ok na kagad in an instant. He even asked for a quick kiss.  We have matured a lot in many ways and I'm glad we did. Unlike before na may nagwawalk out pa. Relationship also matures pala as time progresses.

I wont deny it naman na most of the time, I start the fight coz I argue a lot. I guess I have to learn how not to argue even when I think I'm right. In a relationship, its definitely important that we know how to "compromise". And one of the greatest lessons is: "wag salubungin ung galit ng partner mo"... It helps a lot in stengthening a relationship especially when you're just starting to build the foundation. ☺

"Ganyan kalupit ang buhay.."

-Re-post from my multiply blog.

I just realized I've been cursing my job description few years ago. I never liked what I do. This is not the career I dreamt of, I only have a job, not a career. I wanted to have a career I can be proud of eversince. But my need to be compensated well enough in this industry prevented me from shifting jobs. The thought of it saddens me. People tell me I'm too smart for this kind of job.. Had I left this industry years back when I was being offered the best deals, I wouldn't feel an ounce of regret for not even trying. I was too scared. I guess, the only consolation left of me is that I can give my son a better life with the job that I have right now, I am able to send my brother to school, I can buy nice things for myself and my son, I can feed my family of 5 and the list goes on. I still have million other things I'm grateful for. I

Not that I'm regretting, I guess it's more of.. "I wish I tried while I still can..."

So to youngsters out there.. Try new things and dont be scared. When you finally have a family of your own, there are some things that you cant do anymore because your decision may change the life of your most beloved ones. :)   

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"Ganyan kalupit ang buhay"..   

- quoted from: "isa sa mga nakasakay ko sa dyip kanina".

Sa mga nagdaang araw, naging masyado akong mapagmasid sa lahat ng nangyayari sa aking paligid. Mula sa kaliit liitang bagay hanggang sa malalawak na isyu na kinakaharap ng kung sino man. Marahil ang tanging panahon ko na lamang para gawin ito, ay sa tuwing nasa biyahe ako..maaaring kung pupunta o papasok sa unibersidad man o sa trabaho. Maraming bagay akong napapansin..maraming bagay ang nagdadala ng lungkot sa akin..marami din namang simpleng bagay ang nagpapangiti sa akin. Nitong mga nagdaang araw, kakaiba ako bilang tao: bilang estudyante, anak, empleyado, kaibigan, babae, kabilang ang lahat ng mga tungkuling aking ginagampanan.

Habang nasa byahe papuntang trabaho, nananahimik ako sa dulo ng pampasaherong dyip, nakatingin sa kumpol ng estudyanteng nagtatawanan. Napakasaya nilang tingnan. Napapangiti pa nga ako sa bawat batuhan nila ng salita. Unti unti ng bumaba ang magkakaibigan..sa isang lingat, 4 na lamang kaming natira sa sasakyan. Naguusap silang tatlo...sabi ng isa.. "Pare, maglalakad ka pauwi o magttricycle ka?" sagot ng isa... "magsiside-car ako"..., "Magkano na ba sa side car ngayon?", tanong ng isa.. "4 na piso lang binabayad ko..tangna..ang taas non...ayaw na nga akong isakay e.." Sumagot yung isa.."gago ka..ang hirap don..lakarin nga nahihirapan na tayo, padyak pa kaya..."

"Pare, ganyan kalupit ang buhay (sabay tawa)"..

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Napaisip ako bigla...Matagal na pagpadyak...matagal tagal na pagaantay ng pasahero..4 na piso lang makukuha nya? pucha...2 yosi lang saken yun e...dun ko napagtanto...ano nga ba ginagawa ko ngayon? may karapatan ba kong magreklamo sa bigat ng mga dinadala kong problema? may karapatan ba akong masaktan sa mga bagay na para sa iba ay kababawan lamang? Madalas nga natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko..maliit na bagay, iniiyakan ko...maliit na pagkabigo..dinadala ko hanggang sa kung kelan ko kaya..totoo...hindi ako madaling makalimot.HINDE.

Binabayaran ako sa ginagawa ko. Nakaupo ng ilang oras? 8? Kadalasan pa nga...sa 8 oras na yun...kailangan mong ihanda ang sarili mo sa masasakit na bagay na maaaring isambit ng mga taong hindi mo kilala...mga taong kinakausap mo dahil yun ang trabaho mo. Sabi ng mga kasamahan ko sa trabaho.. wag kong personalin..binabayaran ako sa ginagawa ko..e ano ngayon kung murahin nila ako..e ano ngayon...ang problema? hindi ko maihiwalay ang sarili ko sa kung ano man ang ginagawa ko...ngayon, tanong ko sayo...may karapatan ba akong magreklamo?

Kadalasan din naiisip ko...marahil mas mataas pa ang pinag-aralan ko sa mga taong kung magsalita akala mo pagaari nila ang mundo...pero bakit ako nandito? Hindi ko pa alam. Pera? siguro...Hanggang kelan ako mananatili sa ganitong pagdadahilan? hanggang kelan ko iisiping yun lang ang dahilan? kelan ko lubos na mauunawaan na may halaga ang ginagawa ko? Kelan?

Darating pa kaya ang araw na yun? hindi ko alam.

2011 - My most challenging year (so far).

This was how 2011 was like for me.

2011 was a challenging year for me. It was January when I decided to finally move out of my comfort zone. I have felt a while back that HSBC wasn’t the company for me; I have realized long before that growth isn’t really something I can find in this company. I made one of the toughest decisions of my life when I finally decided to leave, and just move on. I made a lot of memories; good and bad, in over 3 years of my stay in the company. I made great friends and I’ve learned so much about people, work, career, fun and life in general. So bidding farewell to the memories and the routine (in over 3 years) made it harder for me to leave.  But I had to. It’s just so sad that I burnt bridges. I lost in touch with the good friends, great people and potential connections. It was an impulsive decision and yes, when I look back I have the slightest regret because I miss them. And when it comes, I have no choice but to stay away from the thought of it because I need to move on and stop dwelling in the past.

Looking at the aspect of my personal life, it was a mess. My relationship with my x was at its rockiest point. We lost communication, we seldom sleep together (literally) since he was hesitant to move in my parent’s house, we seldom go out, we were barely getting by and we would constantly fight over money matters since we basically had no source of income at that time. We were so dependent of his family and my friends and I guess it created tension at that time. I was so trying to make the relationship work because Id like to believe that it was the only good thing I had at that time since career sucked. I was at the lowest point of my life as I was still trying to rehabilitate from gambling addiction.

I decided to finally look for work in February, and that’s when GE found me. It was a co-incidence in a way since my first choice was to work with Chase, but I was compelled to change mind and shift plans. I was not intending to work around Alabang since I wanted to start over, start anew. But fate brought me back here. It was March when I started being officially employed. Same industry, different job description, similar culture but totally different level of stress. It’s almost close to being stress-free. I guess it’s mainly because I started out with strong will and determination, focused that getting up is my primary goal. I started at a wrong foot when I was in my previous company. I hung out with the wrong people and I wasn’t really focused. Not at all. It’s a totally different story when I started out here in my present company. And it’s a good one.

I had all the plans narrated in my head to start out a good family and good life, simply put, to be a better person; better mother, daughter and most of all, to be a better partner. I’d like to believe that I had the best partner a few months back. He would constantly say that he’s fed up with my attitude, how I treated him and the like, and I would always take all these issues for granted. I thought all the while that everything was doing well in terms of our relationship. He was at his best self when we had our last walk dated March 11,2011. We talked about our dreams, our plans, and the challenges of our relationships. I even considered it as premonition at one point. That afternoon walk was actually the last time I ever laid eyes on him. I haven’t seen him in a while. It’s been almost a year and I have not actually had a conversation with him. I miss him, yes. I guess I was so assured that he’d never let go so I never really looked for him or longed for him since then. Until my life became more complicated and I thought he should be there for me. But it surprised me when I found out that he’s somewhere else trying to build the family we never really had. I had no choice but to move on, accept it and just continue living the dreams we built together. I went thru depression, episodes of it, a lot of times then I realized I haven’t really dealt with my heartbreak. It wasn’t just heartbreak actually. It felt like I have to make a total turn in my life. And it’s just not easy. Glad I have my son who inspires me and my family and friends who support me.

It was September then when I found out about the bad news. I realized a lot of things in my life and it made me rethink my life. I gave myself a license to do whatever I felt like doing at that time for like a month, it’s more like a license to ruin my life. Then after over a month, I realized, there’s just no point dwelling in the past. I did some things that somehow helped me regain what I lost. I started working out, expanding my social circle, my horizon in general. I started keeping in touch with my old friends. I basically started doing things that I chose to stop doing while I was with him. I haven’t felt the satisfaction so far but I’m sure I’ll get over it soon. My life is better, career is better and I know it can only get better.

Come December, I won Employee of the Year Award for our portfolio. I was able to throw a birthday party for my baby. Everything that I wished I had the same month a year ago, I got it. Life indeed has a lot of trade-offs. Life would’ve been boring if I had everything I wished for. I know I can’t have it all. And I can only make the best of what I have now.

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I havent sat down and summarized my 2012 yet but its a better year I guess - which only proves that life can only get better for me any my family. Good vibes! :) I'll definitely take time to write about the highlights of my 2012 and I'll be glad to share it in this blog. :)

Note to my son:

I am trying so hard to be a better person so you'll be proud of me when you grow up. And you effortlessly bring out the best in me. I love you so much my baby! :)