My dilemmas on being a single parent

Everyone knows that being a single parent is hard enough. It becomes harder when you’re the breadwinner of your family + you have a new partner pa. It can’t get any harder. I know it’s all a matter of setting priorities and knowing where to focus. But sometimes it just gets a lot more complicated. How?

I live with my family and I basically provide for them. I started sending my brother to college last year and I’m glad he’ll be in his sophomore year this coming June. I’m praying and hoping that when he graduates, he’ll start helping our family kasi I know it’s not gonna be easy for me when Nyx starts to study na. It’s hard to feed a family of six. I live with my parents, 2 other sibilings and ofcourse, Nyx. My dad stopped working several years before I graduated in college and since then, we don’t have any other source of income but me. I have been the sole provider of the family for almost 4 years now. Not that I’m complaining but things get harder every day.

I don’t want to go in details but I just wanna vent out. Haaay! I wish I was born rich. It gets more complex kasi Erick and I want to get our own place na kaso we are hesitant since Nyx is too young to be left alone with a nanny. I don’t plan to abandon my family; it’s more of setting limitations that I cannot provide everything they want. I can only make sure that we have good food on the table, electricity, water and the like. But anything outside necessity, I can’t provide that anymore. I wish I can explain myself to them but they never understand. Haaaay.

I’m just really stressed out. I needed to vent out. And I feel worse kasi I had 3 sticks of cigarettes na – a deviation from my goal.

I’m sorry for the negativity.

Tomorrow is a better day. Good vibes please!!! ☺

Lazy Monday morning.

I have already shared how my Sunday went...

Now I'd like to share with you how my Monday went. This is the first day of the week and I was too lazy to do anything since I felt deprived of rest over the weekend. Erick agreed to just spend the day watching DVD the entire day so we can get full rest. So, we had our breakfast... as soon as we finished eating breakfast, Erick dragged me to flying kite with Nyx since yesterday was an unsuccessful attempt. I live near Eternity Memorial Park in Cavite and its a good setting for flying kites. So, I agreed to go there after their pangungulit. Here's how the place looks like:

We usually go here in the mornings when we have the time to jog or exercise before hitting the gym. Nyx likes going here kasi it's like his playground. Anyway, we went kite flying nga and this time, it was so successful. Erick was so happy and Nyx was so thrilled too. Its not easy flying kites pala. Anyway, after some picture taking, I asked if we could go home na. I was complaining a lot kasi nga I still feel drained. So we headed home after about almost 2 hours of kite-flying. When we reached home, I immediately went upstairs, turned on the TV and laid back. I thought he already agreed na mag-relax lang for the rest of the day but he insisted to wash clothes (he washes his own clothes eversince, and I DONT! ). I was a bit pissed na kasi nga I wanna relax and chat with him on bed lang. But eventually, pinayagan ko na. Then after almost 3 hours, he's done. We watched TV  pero I was too sleepy na non so I wasn't in the mood na for anything. So I slept without giving in to his demands.

Brief Background: He wakes up 1 hour before I do kasi he needs time daw para magising diwa nya so he can process well sa work plus he drinks coffee/tea pa. So when he wakes me up, automatic, I take my bath, get dressed  and we leave for work na. He's getting upset especially when I "buzzer beat" going to work. My shift starts 11:00 and I want to be in the office "on the dot"! I dont want to stay idle while in the office and he hates that. He wants me to start going to work earlier than usual. Eh kanina, I woke up not in the mood na nga tas he was ranting pa na ang tagal ko kumilos. It even took me time to choose the clothes I want to wear at work. Naasar tuloy ako kasi I wanted to wear this cute polo pero I was pissed nung pinapakialaman nya pa how I want to wear it. Haaay! Guys talaga. We weren't talking while on our way to work, he was silent the entire time and I remained silent too.

Ganyan na lang kami mag-away ngayon. When our eyes met before we part ways, wala na kagad ung tampo and we were ok na kagad in an instant. He even asked for a quick kiss.  We have matured a lot in many ways and I'm glad we did. Unlike before na may nagwawalk out pa. Relationship also matures pala as time progresses.

I wont deny it naman na most of the time, I start the fight coz I argue a lot. I guess I have to learn how not to argue even when I think I'm right. In a relationship, its definitely important that we know how to "compromise". And one of the greatest lessons is: "wag salubungin ung galit ng partner mo"... It helps a lot in stengthening a relationship especially when you're just starting to build the foundation. ☺

2011 - My most challenging year (so far).

This was how 2011 was like for me.

2011 was a challenging year for me. It was January when I decided to finally move out of my comfort zone. I have felt a while back that HSBC wasn’t the company for me; I have realized long before that growth isn’t really something I can find in this company. I made one of the toughest decisions of my life when I finally decided to leave, and just move on. I made a lot of memories; good and bad, in over 3 years of my stay in the company. I made great friends and I’ve learned so much about people, work, career, fun and life in general. So bidding farewell to the memories and the routine (in over 3 years) made it harder for me to leave.  But I had to. It’s just so sad that I burnt bridges. I lost in touch with the good friends, great people and potential connections. It was an impulsive decision and yes, when I look back I have the slightest regret because I miss them. And when it comes, I have no choice but to stay away from the thought of it because I need to move on and stop dwelling in the past.

Looking at the aspect of my personal life, it was a mess. My relationship with my x was at its rockiest point. We lost communication, we seldom sleep together (literally) since he was hesitant to move in my parent’s house, we seldom go out, we were barely getting by and we would constantly fight over money matters since we basically had no source of income at that time. We were so dependent of his family and my friends and I guess it created tension at that time. I was so trying to make the relationship work because Id like to believe that it was the only good thing I had at that time since career sucked. I was at the lowest point of my life as I was still trying to rehabilitate from gambling addiction.

I decided to finally look for work in February, and that’s when GE found me. It was a co-incidence in a way since my first choice was to work with Chase, but I was compelled to change mind and shift plans. I was not intending to work around Alabang since I wanted to start over, start anew. But fate brought me back here. It was March when I started being officially employed. Same industry, different job description, similar culture but totally different level of stress. It’s almost close to being stress-free. I guess it’s mainly because I started out with strong will and determination, focused that getting up is my primary goal. I started at a wrong foot when I was in my previous company. I hung out with the wrong people and I wasn’t really focused. Not at all. It’s a totally different story when I started out here in my present company. And it’s a good one.

I had all the plans narrated in my head to start out a good family and good life, simply put, to be a better person; better mother, daughter and most of all, to be a better partner. I’d like to believe that I had the best partner a few months back. He would constantly say that he’s fed up with my attitude, how I treated him and the like, and I would always take all these issues for granted. I thought all the while that everything was doing well in terms of our relationship. He was at his best self when we had our last walk dated March 11,2011. We talked about our dreams, our plans, and the challenges of our relationships. I even considered it as premonition at one point. That afternoon walk was actually the last time I ever laid eyes on him. I haven’t seen him in a while. It’s been almost a year and I have not actually had a conversation with him. I miss him, yes. I guess I was so assured that he’d never let go so I never really looked for him or longed for him since then. Until my life became more complicated and I thought he should be there for me. But it surprised me when I found out that he’s somewhere else trying to build the family we never really had. I had no choice but to move on, accept it and just continue living the dreams we built together. I went thru depression, episodes of it, a lot of times then I realized I haven’t really dealt with my heartbreak. It wasn’t just heartbreak actually. It felt like I have to make a total turn in my life. And it’s just not easy. Glad I have my son who inspires me and my family and friends who support me.

It was September then when I found out about the bad news. I realized a lot of things in my life and it made me rethink my life. I gave myself a license to do whatever I felt like doing at that time for like a month, it’s more like a license to ruin my life. Then after over a month, I realized, there’s just no point dwelling in the past. I did some things that somehow helped me regain what I lost. I started working out, expanding my social circle, my horizon in general. I started keeping in touch with my old friends. I basically started doing things that I chose to stop doing while I was with him. I haven’t felt the satisfaction so far but I’m sure I’ll get over it soon. My life is better, career is better and I know it can only get better.

Come December, I won Employee of the Year Award for our portfolio. I was able to throw a birthday party for my baby. Everything that I wished I had the same month a year ago, I got it. Life indeed has a lot of trade-offs. Life would’ve been boring if I had everything I wished for. I know I can’t have it all. And I can only make the best of what I have now.

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I havent sat down and summarized my 2012 yet but its a better year I guess - which only proves that life can only get better for me any my family. Good vibes! :) I'll definitely take time to write about the highlights of my 2012 and I'll be glad to share it in this blog. :)

Note to my son:

I am trying so hard to be a better person so you'll be proud of me when you grow up. And you effortlessly bring out the best in me. I love you so much my baby! :)

Renewing my passion in writing :)

I have always wanted to start a blog of my own. Years back, I tried using multiply and as my schedule became more hectic, it became impossible for me to maintain it. My intention now is to maintain a journal thru this blog, share stories on becoming a single mother, breadwinner, daughter, partner, college graduate, call center agent, sister, friend and many other roles that complete my life in general. :) This will somehow help me show my son how he was growing up. :) And I hope, he'll love me even more when he sees this blog in the near future.

This is my first official post in this blog and I'd like to make this as personal as it can get. I have loved writing eversince I was in my elementary days. Its my way of expressing myself. I am known as a  happy-go-lucky type of person and its always been hard for me to express my emotions growing up. I have been thru a lot of failed relationships and I have learned a lot from all these mistakes i committed in the past. I am a single mom (and I'm proud of it!) and I am currently in a relationship (very much inlove!).  We celebrated our 7th month as couples last week in Tagaytay and I am looking forward to counting years with him. When I have the time, I'll share with you how our friendship blossomed into something else.  My son's name is Czaerus Nyx ( Jaerus = god of luck and opportunity & Nyx= goddess of moon ) I gave birth to him when I was 22 years old, December 30,2009 and many things in my life changed since then. I remember my friend telling me that he might be gay when he grow up (i dont have anything against gay men, I love them infact! ) because his name means something like "opportunistang bakla". I laughed the thought off. Haaay, time flies so fast. He's now 3 and I'm so not ready yet to see him mature years from now. His Kuya Erick (my boyfie's name) loves him so much too. And I wish we'll be together forever na as a family. We plan on getting married na soon kasi he's been so persistent in asking me to give him a son na. Haaay! I wish it can be that easy. Anyways, we've been talking a lot about that. I'll think about it a thousand times or even a million times pa before I decide to bring another child in this world. :)

I found this letter in my archives and I wanna share this with you.. I gave this letter to Erick 2 months back and this made him smile a little. :)

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Six months ago, I have been bothering you by sending you insignificant text messages with an

attempt to build a friendship with you. I found you unique in many ways and I admire you for that. I know that you have always been content on being on your own, you have lived a life so different from mine that made me so eager to dig deep and discover what's there to know about your life. A

month  later, I dragged you into going out of town with me along with our common friends. I did that because I wanted to have a vacation far from the lights and sounds of places like puerto galera, boracay etc. In our attempt to push through with our plan, I'd like to believe that we were on our way to building close to friendship. I can vividly recall the petty arguments that we had in our efforts to put the plan in place.

And so it happened, May 3rd, we were on our way to Zambales. Id like to believe that friendship was something we developed in this trip. It was so fulfilling since you somehow allowed me to explore your world. We started to be so close with each other that I felt a little uneasy. It felt like we were on our own in this trip. You took care of me along the way like no friend did. Somehow, I felt like you were treating me differently from the rest. I felt something special. As we were heading home from Zambales, we were seated next to each other all through out our travel, I was leaning on your shoulder the entire time and I felt a spark of something I didnt want to define. I could feel your concern and I could tell that with that look in your eye, that something's up. We headed to mommy carm's house and it felt more intense. We shared intimate moments together and it went as far as you making that attempt to kiss me. I refused and I felt even more confused.I was allowing you to hold my hands and kiss me in my cheeks, I felt secure in your arms but I couldnt give you that kiss. Days went on and we kept in touch. I asked you out and that 1st movie together was a confirmation of something beyond the borders of friendship. A month later, June 2nd, we went on with our Tagaytay trip. It was unexpected. It was spontaneous. But I can rightfully claim this to be

the most revealing moment we shared together. I got to know more about who you are and you got to know more about my tragic life. I got to introduce you to my son as well and I was very hopeful you'd like him. We learned to accept each other. You admitted you love me and I said I love you you too. And the rest is history. Twas a magical night indeed and I will never forget that conversation we had over 1 bottle of redhorse.

A month later, we just found ourselves looking for a place to stay so we can live together and be with each other often. I saw how you took care of me and how you cared for me. I felt your love even more. I'd wake up surprised by your meal, hot choco, sweet smile and the like. Youre not the type of man I'll expect surprises from. You may not be the most ideal man to have. But Lord knows how you made me feel - that having you is all Ill ever need in this lifetime.

Months went on and a lot of times we tried to end the relationship, but who would ever thought we're still standing strong together. We have surpassed the first 2 stages of relationship. We are now in the stage when all our loved ones become involved. I'm sorry that I can not be as good as you are in terms of mingling with my family. Im sorry if i cant meet your expectations. Most of the time, I feel youre not proud of me as your girl friend, then, on second thought, I realized you have millions of reasons to think that way. Im sorry if I cant be close to ideal. You have been so good to me, you have made a lot of sacrifices only to prove that youre worthy of my love and trust. Today, Id like to let go of my apprehensions and just let it all out. I trust that you'd handle that trust with care.

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 I have sent him many notes.. And this one I think touched him the most. I'll tell you more of our journey and my son's as days pass by. I wish I can maintain this blog as often as I can and I hope to post a lot of pictures too. I know this will take some of my time but I'd like to have something my son can read so he'd know how much I tried to give him the family he deserves. I feel bad that he can't be with his dad anymore but I'd like to make him feel loved a thousand more times to compensate for that . A child as amazing as my son doesnt deserve any type of guilt for not having a complete family.

Anyways, Ill share more of our journey here some other time. :)